I didn’t expect my love life to come with military-grade life lessons, but when you’re dating a veteran, it’s part of the package deal. We met a couple of years into my living in LA and over seven months I went from calling him “military guy” to my boyfriend.
While we’re no longer together, I walked away with a completely different perception of soldiers and veterans. Before I met my ex, my view of the military was a sweeping one, casting it—and by extension, anyone involved in it or displaying patriotic symbols—as inherently opposed to me. As a liberal, trans, mixed-race person, I saw the military as a monolithic force that clashed with everything I stood for. I’ve noticed this same reaction from my peers. Many progressives are quick to criticize the troops while enjoying the comforts of catered lunches and sanitized office jobs, rarely acknowledging the violence within the capitalist system they work to sustain—one that’s not so different from the military-industrial complex.
But getting to know someone within that world softened that rigid stance, helping me recognize the nuance and individual motivations that aren’t always visible from the outside. On this Veterans Day, I hope these insights honor their journeys and encourage empathy for the people behind the service.
1. The Military as More than Just a Job
Before meeting my ex, I assumed that people joined the military primarily out of patriotism or duty. While this is true for some, for many, joining is a way to secure stable housing, healthcare, education, and a steady paycheck. The military offers a safety net that corporate jobs cannot provide, especially for those from under-resourced backgrounds.For my ex, enlisting was about getting the total package. He and his comrades saw the military as a path to create a better future for themselves.
Hearing this helped me understand that military service can be a pragmatic decision, one tied to survival and self-sufficiency rather than any single political motivation. It’s a job that often comes with a high personal cost but, for many, also represents one of the few avenues to a secure life.
2. Veterans Are Not a Monolith
One of the first things my ex showed me was that Not All Veterans are bad. Movies and media often portray service members as homo- and transphobic, ultra-conservative enemies of my community, but in fact there are a lot of gays, queers, and allies in the military (notably the Navy, they say). My ex was patriotic and pro-trans rights. He told me about the outright racist guy from Alabama he met in active duty. There was also a Vietnamese immigrant captain who studied film in the army. It’s easy to generalize people in and associated with the Department of Defense as evil because they’re actively supporting a violent organization. But then we reduce the individual to the system and are no better than the conservatives who make blanket statements about trans people. Veterans are individuals shaped not just by their military service but also by their complex human journeys. Just like how someone being trans doesn’t make them good, someone being a veteran doesn’t make them bad.
3. The LGBTQ+ Community in the Military
The military’s “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy was repealed in 2011, but that never stopped people from being gay. Despite historical barriers, many queer and trans individuals enlist, creating a complex and vibrant subculture within the military. My ex himself now identifies as queer, and he shared stories of camaraderie and solidarity with other LGBTQ+ service members. I was surprised to learn about these safe spaces in the military, an otherwise homophobic and transphobic organization.
Another common theme with the military is how the guys love the dolls. Three groups of men love trans women: divorced dads, military guys, and the guys who want to live vicariously through us (the phantom doll). This fact, loving trans women is open and accepted in certain groups within the military, according to my ex. And that is what I call allyship.
4. The Individual vs. The System
Another revelation was learning to separate the individual from the system they serve. We often see the military-industrial complex as a faceless villain, making it hard to humanize the people within it. But meeting veterans like my ex, who openly questioned and even challenged aspects of the institution they were part of, helped me see the difference between the system and the individuals it employs.
Serving in the military doesn’t always mean endorsing every aspect of its mission or its political implications. My ex often expressed frustration about the larger political motivations behind certain military operations. His honesty taught me that veterans are not necessarily proponents of the entire military structure; they are people navigating a job that’s sometimes at odds with their values. This distinction made me more aware of the complexities veterans face in reconciling their duty with their personal beliefs.
5. Transitioning: Military to Civilian (MTC) Transition
Watching my ex transition from military to civilian life was, in many ways, reminiscent of my own transition. Both journeys involve shedding parts of an old identity, grappling with the expectations society has for us, and facing the unknown with as much resilience and grace one can have while dealing with PTSD, gender dysphoria, or a fun combination of both. His journey out of the military wasn’t just about a change in career path; it was a complete reimagining of his identity and purpose, much like what I had been doing every day since taking that first estradiol pill.
For veterans, the transition back to civilian life can be disorienting. The way people behave and treat each other is night and day in many cases. Take the workplace for example. In the military, people go to medical appointments during the workday with no questions asked. Taking care of their physical bodies is part of doing the job after all. But when entering civilian life, suddenly we need to get approval for taking time off to see our doctors and dentists. Oh, and make sure you still get your work done.
It’s not so dissimilar with transitioning. I’ve had to relearn the rules of society now that I am navigating as a trans woman. People treat me nicer, hold doors open for me and compliment me, but the flip side of the same coin is that the taxi driver taking you to the airport keeps looking back in between your legs in a miniskirt. It’s wondering when and if I need to disclose my transness to someone from high school who I hadn’t spoken to in 15 years because that might suddenly shift their perception of me because all they know of me is from the news and mainstream media.
From redefining identity to creating community in unexpected places, veterans navigate a world few civilians fully understand. I’m grateful for the perspective my ex gave me, offering a deeper appreciation for the unique paths veterans tread. Transitioning is universal whether it’s military to civilian, cisgender to transgender, or adult to mom/dad/parent.